Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
