Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Randomize
