The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
