When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
