fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
where are my eyebrows?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
