____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
