life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
My penis needs a shock collar
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
