if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
