I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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