You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
