it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
