dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
