im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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