while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize