He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
