My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
