I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize