She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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