I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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