Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
