I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Randomize
