We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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