do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize