Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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