I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
