the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
two words...techno handjob
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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