Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
