It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
