Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
