Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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