I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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