He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
