I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
it was like eating out sand paper
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
