grandma shit on top of the toilet
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
The convent might be a nice break from real life
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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