did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
