dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
