Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
