the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
