The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
