ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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