I think I died a long time ago.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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