I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
