how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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