i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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