so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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