i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
