Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
