census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
