i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
