I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize