so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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