I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
