i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
