when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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