I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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