Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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