just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
