im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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