I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
even my farts smell like vagina
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I enjoy the company of your penis
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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