remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
