tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
