You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
