I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
