Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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